As a means of staying positive, I am searching for the silver linings in the very overwhelming surreal world I have entered.  


- First among them as previously mentioned is kickstarting my weight loss – 12 pounds in 5 weeks. 
- The next is the opportunity to step away from my life and all the commitments and reassess what I really want to be doing.  I have paired down my life to only those activities that do not require deadlines or people depending on me to deliver something.  This gives me space to work on projects I have always meant to get to but had no time. 
- And for the fun part, time and space to get caught up on all those magazines that are piling up, and TV shows I have not had time to binge watch over the years. 


But the most extraordinary silver lining is coming to the realization of how many people in my life love and support me.  So many people have stepped up to help during the coming year.  And the best part is they know me well enough to know how hard it is for me to ask for help.  And my hope is that all of these people from different parts of my life also meet and forge new friendships as well. 


I am working hard to put in the front of my brain that people like to help.  But I am like my father, I do not want to be a burden.  I looked for ways to not have to ask directly but afford people the opportunity to help when they are able.  This is where technology is a god send.  Not only does this blog streamline communications but using a tool like signup genius puts it out there, and people can self-select. 
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As hard as this journey may be, I will fight to focus on the silver linings, and find love and laughter in all that I do.  And maybe at the end of this journey I will figure out the reason this happened now, and what good will come from it. 

The silver lining, I have lost 12 pounds in 5 weeks.  Of course, this is due to never-ending stomach ache that is making my meals smaller and eliminating sweets and foods with no nutritional value.   But I cannot ignore the fear.  I search for the primary cause, so I can mitigate it and stop the stomach aches and stress.   Oddly enough, the word cancer is not causing the fear, my mom survived two fights with cancer.  The fear is stemming from the thought of ingesting all of the drugs into my body when I have a history of drug allergies. 


Again, I attack the problem with logic and actionable steps.  I find an allergist that takes me seriously and is interested in testing each drug as a stand alone to see what my body does.  Then I start looking into the homeopathic ways of dealing with the symptoms; chief among them, diet, acupuncture, and exercise.  I start by developing a diet plan and moving to a primarily plant-based diet.  I have received recommendations for a good local acupuncturist.  And of course, finally start to move toward a regular exercise plan. I have talked about doing it, now I need to act.    


As I take each of these steps I feel calmer.  The stomach is not so jumpy, and I sleep a little better at night.  When I talk to people, they are amazed at how calm and matter of fact I am.  It is real, not just a face I am putting on.  For me information and action make me feel in control, and positive about the outcome.  My mother proved to me time and again that your mental outlook is more than 50% of the battle of coming out the other side as good if not better than before.  Here is to keeping positive and focused on success. 

I think I am in denial.  I feel great, and have nothing wrong with me.  Except I have this tiny little tumor inside my breast that needs to come out, or I will be very sick in the future. 
So, I organize my life to add another level of chaos.  I stepped away from all my commitments, so that I can focus on "beating the beast", as a friend referred to it.  I looked to what personal and work-related projects I can focus on that do not have deadlines or people counting on me to deliver against a deadline.  I view myself as incredibly fortunate to have the flexibility to do this.  And I start trying to view this as a vacation where I get to read all the magazines that have piled up, binge watch the TV shows I have missed over the years, and possibly write the book that has been running through my head for a few years now.  These things I can do regardless of how I feel.  


To my astounding surprise, friends and family do not hesitate to offer help and support.  I am not sure they have any idea what they are getting into, I am a horrible patient; cranky, whiny, and bitchy when I do not feel well.   I guess if we focus on the laughter …  


So again, I do what I do best, create organization out of chaos.  Start to work on ways to channel the support.   I find tools like this blog post and signupgenius.com to streamline the process.  Because I know me, I do not ask for help well.  If I must ask more than once, I will give up and find a way to do it myself, or not do it at all.  And I realize that people like to help, it makes them feel good, so who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth. 
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I have always believed that there is a reason for everything, and things happen when they are supposed to.  I am now focused on figuring out what the positive reason for this diagnosis is, and what good things will result. 

I am not the first and I will not be the last to be diagnosed with breast cancer.  I do not even have a very advanced form of breast cancer.  But regardless, it is a disconcerting world I have entered, and I need to find purpose and calm in the storm.  If this blog/website can help others as they navigate their journey, I will feel there is some purpose.  

​The calendar year 2017 had not closed yet when I was told I had stage 1 triple positive breast cancer.  My mother had survived cancer twice in her lifetime, so the word "cancer" did not have the same horror that others might experience.  But being who I am , I started researching.  I made sure I was using legitimate and authoritative sites.  This kept me away form the horror stories and complete and utter panic.  I learned very quickly that the stage of the cancer does not mean the treatment is any less or easier.  It is the markers (triple positive) that determines the treatment recommended.  The positive estrogen and progesterone was a good thing, because it is very responsive to hormone therapy.  But the HER2 positive meant I was going to need Chemotherapy.  So although it is stage 1 and very contained, my treatment plan based on the biopsy would be lumpectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation; so the whole nine yards.  Once the lumpectomy is complete, they will test the tumor and lymph nodes to confirm the diagnosis, but I am told that it is not likely to change dramatically.  So I plan for the worst, hope for the best, because hope is not a strategy.